I wish I only lived at night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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