I wanna bring you to show and tell
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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