Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
