if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
