I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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