I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I hope mine doesn't look like that
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
