The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
