Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
