dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
