My nipple is on Facebook.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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