That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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