I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
