You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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