I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
