My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
