i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I need a burrito and a hug.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
my poor anus
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
