Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
