Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
