This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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