dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
