you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
found the other keg... it's in the tree
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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