Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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