He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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