My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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