wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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