the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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