Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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