I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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