He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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