someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
