I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Is that strawberry winking at me??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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