I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
