we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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