I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
