What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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