When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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