this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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