i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
