I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
