seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
