McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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