alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
