Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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