I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
