We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
