Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
