Can i not drive my cunt home
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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