I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
