i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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