I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
