i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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