I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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