i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
